Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
