It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
