Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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