woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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