In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
