You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
