I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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