when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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