The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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