In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
