i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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