So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
