I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
