i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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