I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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