All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
