My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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