How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
