she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We're not piercing ourselves today.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
