oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
