I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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