I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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