im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
