If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
