Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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