come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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