My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
