did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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