Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
