I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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