I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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