I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
