just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
