I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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