maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
