No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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