Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
