The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
