Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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