Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
