He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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