The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
