fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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