Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize