In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
