I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
