I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
