I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
