just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
