I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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