matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The power of my boobs compel you
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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