everyone is single if you try hard enough
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
