On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize