but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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