Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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