3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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